The Vainity of it All

During my pregnancy with Jonah, my third child, I began another long bout with depression. Looking back some 19 years, I can identify the exact cause. We will continue in Psalm 127:2.

"It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep."

I was choosing not to be content. I wanted more things, more money and more of my own "needs" met.
I chose to take a job as a second grade teacher at a local christian school. I did not go against my husband's wishes in doing this. He just wanted me to be happy.  I did battle with my own physical exhaustion in the process.

I would work at school, come home and work second shift for my family. This lasted four years. It was during this time, I was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondilitis, a degenerative disease that causes inflammation of the joints and connective tissues. I refused to except my illness, even after having to wear a neck brace because my doctor was concerned I would injure my spinal cord. After my diagnosis, my doctors all told me I should not have had children. Looking back, I can see what God was doing in allowing me to have this disease.

Chronic pain, fatigue and sleeplessness became a way of life. I hurt all the time, yet, I was told by many, "you are too young to be in that much pain." I was tired all the time. Still I pushed on because of my discontentment. I didn't sleep, somewhat because of the pain, but mostly because I was determined that I deserved "my time" everyday. I would sit at the kitchen table ever night, after the kids were in bed doing needle work so I could say I had done something for myself.

After several months in this pattern of behavior, I began to study the book of Ecclesiastes. I began to realize I was choosing to stay busy so I would not have to focus on the "real" issues of my life. My anger, discontentment and lack of love for my husband and children were beginning to show up in everyday life. Then God lead me back once again to Psalm 127, especially verse 2. Rising early to get ready for work, staying up late to have "my time," and believing that my working outside the home could bring in more money so we could have a bigger house and more things were all in vain. I was choosing to keep myself in a depressed pattern of behavior and emotion. My life was hard, but I was truly making it harder.

Then, one Saturday morning, after a routine visit to the grocery store, I sat  down at the kitchen table to do some reading. I had bought a new magazine to get a recipe and discovered a prayer written by Wilfred A. Peterson published inside the back cover. Convicted by the words, I asked God to help me learn to view myself as one of his beloved. I wanted to learn how to allow myself to except his provision. I wanted to learn how to quiet myself and sleep. I wanted to be a wife that my husband could trust and a mom my children could honor. I have kept that prayer taped in the back of my Bible all these years and have prayed it often. Because of copy write concerns I can't repost it, but I will post my own version taken from Psalm 127.

Father, Slow me down.
Slow my pace so I can allow you to quiet my mind.
Help me to view my life's value not through the scope of the here and now, but with the eternal in mind.
Calm me with your word.
Break the tensions of my muscles and nerves with the restoring power of sleep.
Teach me to have a quiet spirit by making me stop to smell a flower, savor chocolate, recognize your breath on the breeze or feel the grass between my toes.
Help me as an adult, never to outgrow being your child. I am your beloved.
Slow me down Lord, so I can allow you to send my roots deep into the enduring values of life and so I can grow increasingly faithful to you.
In the name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen